Nine Weeks Old

This is the hardest thing I've ever done. Asher's birthday was the hardest thing that's ever happened TO me, but I didn't have much to do. Now, it's all up to me and Riss. And it never stops.

Asher's started appointments with a physical therapist who comes to the house. I wasn't at the last one, but Marissa was told the most important thing we need to do is keep him calm. He was apparently too upset that day to do any therapy, and the time was spent unsuccessfully trying to console him. The therapist that day described him as a very tense baby.

Much of the time, Asher just looks uncomfortable in his own skin. He writhes and claws around like a demon is trying to get out. It's usually possible to console him, so I don't think we could call it colic, but it often takes a lot of work and a long time. Before something works, we have to try every trick we have: walking, feeding, pacifiers, going outside, going inside, diaper check, another diaper check.

These are all things most parents have to deal with. Any good parent asks themselves, "Is this normal? Is this a problem?" For us, added to that has been worries about his condition. He's a tense baby. Would he have been that way regardless? Is it because the antibiotics messed with his stomach? Or, is that because he has brain damage? Every worrisome thing he does is colored, even if slightly, by these thoughts.

Before being discharged from NICU, we had to watch a video about shaken baby syndrome. Arrogantly, I dismissed it, saying "Yeah yeah yeah, don't shake your baby, I got it." After all, who would do such a thing? I really don't think I'd ever let myself get to the point of doing something so terrible. I'd set him down and walk away first. But, like I've heard from other parents recently, I know now how it happens.

Part of that arrogance came from having never heard him cry. Now, he's cried so much that he lost his voice for a few weeks. It's just starting to come back. Instead of desperately hoping he'll cry, I can barely remember what it was like to have him lay quietly all day, patiently waiting for feedings that were precisely three hours apart and between 100 and 120ml each time.

I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have Marissa. Single parents have rocketed to the top of my respect list - it seems impossible to do it well.

*****

I wrote what's above a couple weeks ago, on Father's Day. As you can see, it was a rough one, maybe the worst. Things have gotten much better since then. Last night, Asher slept essentially the entire night through. Nights have been one thing that's been relatively easy this whole time. He doesn't stay up screaming, and goes back to sleep pretty quickly after eating.

Little signs of smiling are starting to appear, as well as noises other than crying. Routines are being established, like Asher's nightly "happy hour", so named because it's when we could most use a drink. Mornings have been the most peaceful, and he's spending more time then and at other points in the day simply awake and taking in the world.

Last week was a busy one for doctor's appointments. First was the neurologist, who was concerned about Asher's right side being more tense than the left. The right hand tends to ball into a fist a lot more, and that leg kicks more than the left. It's possible this could be early signs of cerebral palsy.

The next day, he had an encouraging physical therapy appointment. They were happy to see Asher could calm himself more easily than in his last appointment, which needs to happen before any real PT starts. His right side was responsive that day, and really has been since then as well. We practice opening up his right fist more, hoping to teach his brain learns to do this on its own.

Last, we went to see a neurosurgeon on Friday. Back in NICU, one of the doctors was concerned about a Chiari malformation in Asher, where the brain stem actually protrudes out the bottom of the skull. If severe, it can require brain surgery. Luckily, it seems we won't have to worry about this, said the neurosurgeon. If Asher has such a malformation, it's so minor that it barely shows up on an MRI and likely won't cause any symptoms. With better MRI technology, doctors are finding these minor malformations are more common than previously known, but they're not usually a problem.

I've been wanting to blog for weeks now. When I started this, blogging was my therapy. Writing is easy when it's fueled by emotion. As that has fuel has thankfully run lower, so too has the desire to write, to say nothing of my new time constraints. But, I know how important Asher has become to his fan club, many of whom I've never met. I'm hoping it gets easier to keep you all updated as I settle into this new parenting gig.

Speaking of Asher's fan club, we've had a lot of really creative support through his ordeal, none more so than this little gem sent to us several weeks back:

Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

Now I don’t know where I am 

I don’t know where I’ve been

But I know where I want to go

That's our friend Chandra singing "First Day of My Life" for Asher.  [Wild applause!]

She's not the only person who's been inspired into song.  One thing I've learned about the Kent family is  what a good lyricist Asher has in his Grandma Gerry.  I think she's written songs for all her grandchildren, though Asher's is a bit different than her other works:

Oh, little Asher you can hear me!

Oh, little Asher you can see!

Oh little Asher how we love you!

Oh little Asher you cried for me.

Words by Grandma, vocals by Mom.

Other happenings, which have to be posted in bullet form, otherwise I'll never finish this post:

• Both my and Marissa's parents came and stayed for a week at a time.  Her parents cleaned our house top to bottom, while my parents finished off the patio I'd started with a fence and landscaping.  
• Asher had his bris at the house, with Brad and Kate as godparents, and Rabbi Rob, Asher's doctor, and Grandma and Grandpa Kent attending.  Obviously, a traditional bris wasn't an option, so a little pin prick did the trick.
• Asher's had a lot of visitors, which helps keep daddy and especially mommy sane.  Also helping in the sanity department has been his increasing ability to get out of the house without causing too much chaos.  He's had his first visit to the Bywater, a couple of restaurants, and, hopefully in a few minutes, his first soccer match in public.  Viva Espana!

Time to get working on that.  Until next time, world...